I have been sending my book manuscript to agents, and as expected I have begun to receive a few rejections. Expected, because rarely does a manuscript get snapped up by an agent on the first attempt, however the rejection still hurt. It made me question if I am really doing the right thing, if I am really a good writer and if I should be approaching agents at all?
There’s a scientific reason why rejection hurts so much. It appears that rejection activates the same parts of our brain that react to pain. Every time we experience rejection, our body experiences the same sensations as if it were physically hurt. No wonder this feeling is difficult to ignore and hard to get over: it takes time to heal from a physical pain, therefore it will take time to heal from this emotional pain too.
“Rejection. If you haven’t faced it yet, you will. It’s inevitable. It’s a mark of every great author.”
Writing Routines: 17 Renowned Writers on Overcoming Rejection
It’s comforting to know we are not alone in this feeling, that everyone who experiences rejection will experience similar sensations. However, how we deal with the rejection is entirely up to us. We can allow it to fester like a wound, causing more damage in the long term or we can address the sensation, sit with the feelings, and acknowledge them. Remember that it is ok to feel this way, and it is important to be kind to yourself, to learn and grow from the experience, to bounce back even stronger.
It is important to not only see rejection as a negative experience. Look for the positives – are you getting closer to your goal? Did you receive feedback which will help you grow? Have you learnt something new in this process?
“Only one attitude enabled me to move ahead. That attitude said, ‘Rejection can simply mean redirection.’”
– Maya Angelou
Writing Routines: 17 Renowned Writers on Overcoming Rejection
And when we do get into a vicious cycle of negative self-talk about ourselves based on the rejection, Dr. Pam Gracy, psychologist, and certified life coach, suggests examining this response and question whether it is rational. She suggests using a technique from Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT):
“Ask yourself is what you’re saying true, is it logical, and is it helpful?”
Samantha Vincenty: How to Deal With Rejection, The Oprah Magazine
It is useful to keep the rejection in perspective. Rejection isn’t a whole character assassination, and it is important to not allow it to chip away at confidence or self-worth. It is just one point of view and others may feel differently. I love to think of J.K. Rowling at times like this:
“J.K. Rowling’s original manuscript for Harry Potter was rejected by 12 different publishing houses. One literary agent warned, “You do realise, you will never make a fortune out of children’s books?”
Writing Routines: 17 Renowned Writers on Overcoming Rejection
There is always someone who has experienced worse rejection, perversely, it always makes me feel better. Often, I can feel inspired by those who experienced rejection and ended up a success:
“The Four-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss was rejected by 25 publishers. It has now been translated in 40 languages with more than 2.1 million copies sold.”
Writing Routines: 17 Renowned Writers on Overcoming Rejection
It’s important to understand when to step back, and when to keep going. If the rejection means the end of a particular goal, a revision of the goal or an entirely new goal. It is ok to change your mind, decide upon a new path, or let go of something which isn’t serving you anymore.
However, don’t let the rejection itself, hold you back from what you want to achieve. Instead let it be the fuel to the fire, powering you on to work harder, motivating you to do better, try harder, revisit, revise, or learn new skills. Don’t allow the rejection any more energy than you can spare. Instead take that energy and use it to kick rejections butt by doing even better, by achieving more.
Think of the ultimate success stories, whereby people didn’t let rejection hold them back:
“Steve Jobs was ousted from Apple. He came back and made them the most valuable company in the world. Michael Jordan got cut from his eight-grade basketball team. He won six titles in the NBA.”
Robert D. Smith: Five Reasons Why You Should Seek Rejection, American Management Association