I had finished Torn. I had followed my usual process – writing, reading, rewriting – left it alone for a few months – reading, rewriting and so on.  I was so certain I had finished Torn that I had sent it to the editor. The edits were completed. It was finished.

But… I wasn’t ready to publish it yet; I still had book 1 and 2 in the Broken series to publish first. So, I left it alone for a few more months.

The last step to publishing, personally, is the last read through by the proof reader. This will be the last check over of the document by anyone other than myself. Prior to emailing it over, I reread the book one more time to check for any final spelling mistakes, missing words and Americanisms.  

I started reading the book. After the first few chapters, I realised I was not enjoying the story at all. Shattered had been a punchy, hard hitting, no holds barred kind of a book and Torn just wasn’t doing it for me. Torn is meant to be the culmination of the three books: to give a satisfying ending to a roller-coaster story. Torn is meant to make your heart soar, envelope you in a lover’s kiss and take you away on a dream of true love and happy endings. Unfortunately, it wasn’t doing any of that – I felt flat. The other plot lines in the story were great, but the essence of this story: the heart melting love story just didn’t ring true. Whatever I had written – I could no longer picture my characters making those choices.

“Have the courage to go back and fix what needs fixing. You owe it to your audience, but you owe it to yourself as well. Going half-assed on a story you love is harmful to your creative spirit. Go all in.”

Anna Davis: Reviewing The First Draft: How To Read Your Own Novel

I had a choice. Stick with a perfectly good story or make it the best it could possibly be. Truthfully I just wanted to leave the book alone – it was finished. It was fine, but I knew it wasn’t everything it could possibly be – it felt “half assed.” I could leave it exactly as it was and there were many reasons why that was a great idea:

I was on a time constraint. I had been so certain that Torn was only a quick read through that I had already booked the proof reader. There was a lot of work to do – 20,000 words needed editing and rewriting – this was no simple story change. I had Perfectly Ruined with the editor which would need my attention as soon as it was back and I wanted to start another book. Also, my editor had a packed schedule and had no guarantees she could complete the work prior to the proof reader. I felt stressed – I had not planned any time for rewrites.

But, you know what? I had to do it. I pushed myself really hard for two weeks. I reworked and rewrote those 20,000 words. I sent them to the editor and within two days, they were back to me with no rewrites.  I had put my heart and soul into those words and made it into something that is really beautiful. A story that makes my “heart soar and envelopes me in a lovers kiss.” It feels right. It does justice to the story and is true to the characters.  It is how the story should be.

“Writing is finally a series of permissions you give yourself to be expressive in certain ways. To invent. To leap. To fly. To fall. To find your own characteristic way of narrating and insisting; that is, to find your own inner freedom.”

Susan Santag: Writers on Writing; Directions: Write, Read, Rewrite, Repeat Steps 2 and 3 as Needed.

If it doesn’t look right the first, second, third time around you have permission to change it, to express the story in a different way, until it reads and feels like the story you envisaged. 

My message: – don’t be afraid to change the story, mix it up if you suddenly don’t like what you have written. A story is organic, it can grow and change over time. It is OK to recognise that when you come back to a story, perhaps after working on others in the series, what you have written doesn’t fit, doesn’t feel the same, doesn’t feel right. Yeah, it is going to be a lot of work, but writing a book is a lot of work, and time… so much time. Why not waste a little more making something that you truly resonate with, rather than something you realise is just OK? 

“Let’s say it’s a mess. But you have a chance to fix it. You try to be clearer. Or deeper. Or more eloquent. Or more eccentric. You try to be true to a world.”

Susan Santag: Writers on Writing; Directions: Write, Read, Rewrite, Repeat Steps 2 and 3 as Needed.

And when I had finished the rewrite, I realised that in the time I had spent away from Torn, I had been writing almost consistently 5 days out of every week. I had been developing and practising my skill with every word I wrote and every idea that formed. With all that writing: I had become a far better writer and I am in a far different writing place to that time ago.

Am I glad I did it? Yes, because now it feels so beautifully wonderful. It is the ending that all 3 books deserve and in June 2019 that ending will be shared with my readers.

As Anna Davis says, “Grow that story until it’s just the way you know it needs to be, and then share it with the world.”

Anna Davis: Reviewing The First Draft: How To Read Your Own Novel